PORTUGAL :]

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

i love Jesus!
He has taught me,and am still teaching me how to love.
i still dont know how to love properly,or how to be loved,but He loves me i know.
i know that there are times which i am so so so tempted to sin,and i know that He can give me victory over the temptations
He takes away my past,present,future sins
He is the only path to eternal life

my faith is so weak,but i trust that it will grow stronger each day
i just want to be in His presence
i wish to serve Him all my life
this journey with Him is ever lasting!
i trust that He will let me find my purpose in life
i trust that He will always be there for me

let not my faith be shaken by Satan!
Goddddddddddd,i love you :D

PORTUGAL :]

xoxo

Monday, March 26, 2007

food for thought.
just now i had the biggest quarrel in my life with 2 friends.
during the quarrel,this friend said something like this: "You know why I said you 'everytime like this', it's because you put on a stern and black face everytime. You ask yourself:How many days have you been happy with us? Throughout our jc life, I can use a camera and take down all your expressions and show you how unhappy you were"

though this wasn't the point of our argument and i saw it as a personal attack and felt vulnerable when she said that,now im thinking over what she had said.
i felt in fact very tiny when she said that,a feeling of helplessness;unable to defend myself except to put on a fierce fight.what right did she have to say whether im happy or based on my facial expression?and did i seem unhappy to her all the time?what kind of accusation is that man.and what sarcasm it was regarding the camera part.
and so the quarrel went on.

maybe i should start smiling more.but that is just how i look.just this face.this fucking face.
maybe i have a dislikeable face.
i don't exactly have a friendly face,or a sweet angelic face which everyone adores.
and smiling..i never knew how to smile properly since primary 5.i dont usually go around with a smiling face unless my mood is super duper good on certain days.
and that is why people think that im unfriendly or depressed or what sometimes but im really not.im just used to it wearing this look.just like how everyone wears his/her own looks.

so maybe from tomorrow onwards i will try harder to have a friendlier face.actually i have been trying so far,but yes i will try harder.remind myself every nw and then to wear a likeable face so that people won't think that im stuck up or stressed up or troubled or unfriendly.
____________________________________________________________________

i didn't really know why i blew my top today.it was my first time walking out on friends and being so darn direct in an argument.
yea.being ignored unknowingly.i just felt that my existence there at the outing was redunctant when 2 of them can maintain conversations without me.and right from the start.
the last straw was when i was contemplating whether they did that because they are worried i won't return them their money or they simply have something secretive to say which they don't want to say in front of me,which again boiled down to forgoing my existence.
if its the money issue.darn it.why act as if i won't return them the money and they have to plan this thing to do to 'force' me to return the money.it's not like i will take their money for nothing.if nt i would nt have offered to use NETS to pay first.if i want to think from their point of view,yea when i offered my NETS,wouldn't i run the danger of them nt returing money?i thought good friends can sort of put money issues aside to the last and not do this kinda innane thing?i rather them be direct with me than do this kinda thing because when they do this kinda thing i have my feelings and i can guess their intentions,which is hurting.
if it's the thing about not wanting my presence around if they want to say something secretive to each other,they don't have to do that in front of me.

so in my state of fury,confusion and irrationality,i decided to just leave before i blew my top.
but when i went back again,i just blew my top.maybe i shouldn't have picked up that phone call,or went back.
that wasn't what i desired.
fuck.what's happening to me.

then when i knew it was the money thing,i was darn upset and pissed.
so that was why they spent such a long time during their first trip to the counter?discussing on how to deal with 'forcing' me to return the money because they think i won't return it?
and i wanted to go into that,but my friend cut me off.so i had to narrate my story right from the start,which wasnt REALLY the thing that made me left.
____________________________________________________________________

sometimes i feel darn alone in this clique of ours.
because whenever quarrels arise,nobody would take my stand.
it has always been like that.the two of them opposing me and i feel outnumbered and invaded,forcing me to be even more pissed and irrational in my arguments.
and i wonder how long can our friendship last.

sometimes i have a talk with that friend and i get disappointment.
because if i know that if i ever need help,he is not one i can depend on.
because he will feel he is not obliged to help me or what and even if i ask it as a favour,he said before he can choose to do or not do it,depending on whether he thinks it's pointless or not.
so since then,i never really bothered to ask him for help anymore.
i don't need people to tell me whether it's pointless or not,because i believe that as a friend,you help out all you can.
because help comes out of your own will.no point begging him continuosly for help even though i really need it.

sometimes,a friend is there for you to vent your frustrations on,to help you when you needed it the most.but i do not get that from this clique.
i thought friends should be open with one another and make it a point to respect one another and not pass sacarsm remarks.
even during quarrels,i always make it a point not to pass sarcasm remarks and criticise my friends/make a personal attack such as you are horrible man,you are darn childish etc.
because it makes things worse.
true that they probably didn't mean it when they said it,but it's like omg,how can you say that your friend is the most horrible and terrible person even when you were in a fury?

and ok,i ask myself now.have i been a good friend so far to them.
in some aspects i have failed yea.failing to take note what are the things he is sensitive of.the taboo topics.
being ridiculous?i dunno why but i only hear this from the 2 of them and not from any other friend before.same goes for being insensitive.
being too reserved at times and i have mood swings which i sometimes give it to them.

sometimes im disappointed with him.because i can help him willingly,be prepared to help him anytime but is he able to do the same for me.i dont get that mutual response.
sometimes i doubt what is our friendship based on.like really nothing.no going through of tough obstacles together or whatsoever.
and can we really click as one.

outings.why not a group outing.why everytime it's a failure to get everyone together.
at first i tried hard to 'force' everyone to be go for outings.but over the months,or perhaps a year plus,i give up organising things because some people just don't care or take into priority this friendship.and i know i feel kinda guilt-conscious for making her plan the outings almost everytime ever since then.
____________________________________________________________________

so yea,maybe they can say i expect too much of themp;that i want things my own way.
perhaps this friendship that im seeking for is too demanding.
but i thought those were the basic ingredients of TRUE friendship-helping willingly,caring,understanding,respect and being open with one another.
yea,it takes a long path to TRUE friendship.
____________________________________________________________________

*better go sleep now.i have been waiting for her call.but to no avail.it's 3am now!gosh and i got to wake up at 6.
if we were to drift apart,whose fault would it be?
perhaps fate.

PORTUGAL :]

xoxo

Saturday, March 17, 2007

the drowsiness
the despair
the lack of motivation to climb up

running away
my alters are my securities
i seek console from them

if the switch is gone
so will be my sanity
breaking away from reality

not just a machine
that keeps on running
devoid of feelings

not daring to face myself
and so i hide
i hide..

drunk in my own drowsiness
this mild pain
wish i can get it away
_____________________________

school starts tomorrow
only that my status is different;a teacher
argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need someone to save me

PORTUGAL :]

xoxo

Saturday, March 03, 2007

so the As results are out
results are kinda expected so i felt nothing much
so in uni i gonna make huge changes to my life
my future is in my own hands

so far teaching is kinda fulfilling
it's meaningful and i really surprised myself when i felt that i really cared for these kids
kinda embarassing
i actually broke down in front of a class which supposedly didn't belong to me
so im emotionally attached to that class now and i feel this sense of motivation to motivate them

so im considering whether i should be a teacher next time
gosh.teaching was NEVER on my list of careers i want to pursue next time
i always wanted to explore the world,and the idea of being cooped up in a small little compound called 'SCHOOL' and in a tiny container called 'CLASSROOM' and handling all sort of kids don't appeal to me at all
but now im actually thinking about this path!

my future.what to do abt it.i need at least a week of break to plan!
but grr i have to go back to school tmr!
and i know i gonna have this sense of dread

oh well.a few unexpected person called/smsed when the As results were out.
thanks for the concern of these people (:
and rahh i really dislike one aunt of mine.crap.showing off her daughter's results and pretending to call me to ask on what to do after the results.
so yea managed to catch up with people after so long!
haben seen everyone for ages

yea life is busy everyday.work work and work
was pissed at a few friends weeks ago but oh well guess everything is ok now,by itself though they do not know they are in the wrong but it's ok,i have letten it go
and i got this nonsense from this guy recently and im kinda turned off
my fren is turned off too.haha

im having a busy life nw,which is kinda good
cos only like this,then can i not preoccupy myself with stupid thinkings that will only leave me depressed
ta-da i love all my students,even if they hate me :/

WHAT IS GOING TO BE MY CAREER IN FUTURE?!

PORTUGAL :]

xoxo

Friday, December 22, 2006

unappreciated.
as always

PORTUGAL :]

xoxo

Monday, December 18, 2006

bam.
small little things can ruin my mood.
innane actions by people.

let me plan my schedule for this week.
tmr-work in morning give out flyer,afternoon tutor sarah
wed-tutor hillar,go lib borrow bks,watch finish 'My Girl' VCD
thurs-tutor sarah,see whether need go down for that tutor coordinator thingy
fri-tutor hillar,go sentosa?
sat-FREE DAY :D maybe go church service and go out with family
sun-if fri nv go sentosa then go on this day.if not meet up with tf have dinner!

i feel like working banquets on christmas/christmas eve.
work that few hours to earn good pay cos the rates would be high.
roof.i should find some lobang.

the passion and drive in my life
my own life
im searching (:

PORTUGAL :]

xoxo

Saturday, December 16, 2006

hey so recently life is pretty good and i have been feeling really free and released than ever for a very very long time,about a few years.
i got a lot of things sorted out this year and it was tough yea went through depression yet again and passed through it.
one major thing is that i came to accept Jesus into my life.this is really a difficult and a journey of perseverance,endurance and a test of faith.
many times i have failed,and asked for forgiveness and failed again.sometimes i even threw tantrums and ignored Him.and because life didnt seem to change for the better initially,i chose not to believe Him at many times.

but now im slowly beginning to feel a difference in my life.and im have had this feeling for quite some time.that i will witness a transformation in myself.life itself dont have to change really for the better;it all lies in how one perceives and deals with things.what we have is not measured by material aspects but of spiritual fufilment.as the saying goes,a poor man can have nothing but still feels content;a rich man can have everything yet feels miserable.but the poor man is rich in terms of having grasped and comprehended the meaning of life.

so i have decided to be happy,to think positively.those who have hurt me in the past cannot possibly hurt me now.even if they can,it's a time for forgiveness.and forgiveness is instead the greateast release for oneself.

yea.and the journey with God is a battle of conflict between my emotional self and the rationale side.it is always a constant battle.
so much more to learn,and i will continue to seek my path and take steps closer to Him.

as stated earlier,i have been having a special feeling for quite some time.not really a feeling.more of like a state of being.this soothing calming effect all over me.from head to toe.guess i am more open to things in life and have learnt to take things in my stride and just deal with things in a more positive outlook.
people.relationships.sometimes i got friends around me who don't see how blessed they are.well,i can't blame them.cos this world is such a practical world.and they just follow the world blindly.

despite this calm,soothing state of being,i still feel something void inside me.an empty vessel.or a half-filled vessel.part of me is happy,yet something still makes me wanna cry out all the time.a silent scream.muffled sounds.
i always thought it's love that im missing out.the longing for a special someone to fill up my life.but no,its not.it's more that that.much more.
it's more of like myself.i need to get myself back.been masking for too long.and im so afraid of losing my loved ones.im so afraid.these few nights i would cower at such thoughts.
i need to set goals in my life,and pave my own path in life.maybe i have reached the stage of what you would call 'adulthood'.or maybe it's the work of God.(: something that i will never comprehend.
what's our purpose in life really?some people live their whole life in loneliness.some people live their live in sufferings,some in denial.and all of us,no matter how extravagant our life once was,will still perish one day.and when that happens,time no longer seems to matter.

yea i just feel this need to find myself.like really search deep down inside myself and piece up all the pieces in my life.
yea,and i don't even wish to let anyone in into my complicated life.and relationships at this point of time is quite out of the question.i dont deny the fact that yes,im seeking what love really is,but i dont want to love because of love.i want to love because of the right one,the right person;purely because of that person.
right now,i just need to source out more motivation to get my life going.and start living a vibrant life with a different mindset.need to prepare for a brand new start next year.

happiness is a matter of choice. (:

PORTUGAL :]

xoxo